Whatever Happened to Slappy Squirrel? ~ Ch5

The building of the Wild Take Lounge was a silly sight at first. The building had two eyes protruding from it, mounted on springs, while the entrance resembled a mouth with a red carpet tongue.

"So this is what passes as classy in Toon Town," Betty remarked.

"I've never been to this place," said Launchpad, "How exciting! I mean outside of the House of Mouse this is the most high class place in town. And I never got invited to the House of Mouse either."

"Didn't that place get shut down for discrimination or something?" Betty asked.

"Yeah, not letting non-Disney Toons in was against the Toon Town constitution," said Launchpad, "But it was fun while it lasted I guess."

"It's too bad, we got a pretty decent TV show out of it at the time," Betty said as she walked down the red carpet.

The doors were guarded by an enormous man in a suit and tie, the perfect bouncer it seemed. He could have been fifteen feet tall. Betty had to crane her neck upward to see his head. There was a nametag on his shirt that read "Max".

"Um….excuse me. Sir?"

Max lurched down, and he picked Betty up in his hand, as she gave a small squeal.

"How does the kittle kitty go?" he demanded.

"Wh-what?" Betty replied meekly.

"Do you have the password?" he asked in a low, rumbling voice.

"I uh….I'm a detective."

"Yeah, she's from the Real World," Launchpad added from below, "We're looking for a squirrel."

Betty tried to reach for her badge to show him, fishing it out of her coat, "S-see?"

"It's alright Max, go ahead and put her down," came a voice from behind.

He turned, and Red Hot Riding Hood was standing in the doorway. The red-headed bombshell looked as vivacious and glamorous as ever, wearing a revealing white dress and looking like a 1940's pin-up girl, always a bit more realistically proportioned than her friend Jessica Rabbit.

"Yes boss," Max said, placing Betty down.

Betty brushed herself off, "Red Hot Riding Hood I presume."

"And Betty Valiant," she replied, to Betty's surprise, "I heard you were in town."

"We were looking for you," said Launchpad.

"Yes, about the whereabouts of one of your close associates," said Betty.

"You must mean my dear friend Slappy. Yes, word spreads pretty quickly around Toon Town," Red replied, "I expected you to come by sooner or later. I suppose I'll start off by saying I don't know where she is. Look, my act cancelled tonight, so I'm going to be busy putting tonight's shows together and performing myself, but if you need to ask me some more questions, you can do it after closing time."

"Understood," Betty said, "Suppose I'll wait around until then."

"Jessica's around too," Red mentioned, opening the door for them, "I'm sure she's anxious to meet you after all this time."

"Well, I am too, but business first," she said, trying to toughen up inside.

"I do hope you enjoy the show darling," she said, going through the door.

"Well, she seems nice," said Launchpad.

"I'm not so sure she's not putting up some sort of act," said Betty, "Come along Launchpad, maybe someone in attendance will know something."

The two of them entered the café. It was still a bit early, so it wasn't too busy, but already there were different Toons sitting at the tables before a large stage, where for the moment a skunk doing a very good Frank Sinatra impression was performing before some bunny girls sitting near the stage, who were going absolutely crazy for him. She and Launchpad sat at a table nearby.

"I feel kinda under-dressed for this place," said Launchpad.

"Oh don't worry, it's Toon Town, half the citizens don't wear even clothes," said Betty.

Betty examined some papers in the napkin holder on the table, unfolding a flier. There was a schedule of the bands set to perform at the lounge that week. It was a Friday, so many of the concerts had already happened.
_______________________________________________________________________
Monday, 7pm

Jem and the Holograms and Josie and the Pussycats, on their "Please Forget About Our Awful Live Action Movies" Tour

Tuesday, 7pm

Band Toon Night: The animated versions of The Beatles, New Kids on the Block and MC Hammer together on one night!

Wednesday, 7pm

Back to the 80's: Alvin and the Chipmunks and The Chipettes opening for Powerline

Thursday, 7pm

Ladies Night: Weekly entertainment from our divas Red Hot Riding Hood, Jessica Rabbit, Betty Boop.

Friday, 7pm

Under the Sea with The Neptunes, featuring Jabberjaw, and Sebastian the crab

Saturday, 7pm

Gorillaz

Sunday, 8pm

Mini-Divas – Miss Kitty Mouse, Clarice Chipmunk and Tanya Mousekewitz (binoculars will be provided).

___________________________________________________________________________________________

"Oh no, I'm going to miss Gorillaz," Betty sighed, "I love that band. Always wanted to see them live."

"What day's today again?" asked Launchpad.

"Friday. So I guess Jabberjaw cancelled. No big loss there. Suppose they got the Frank Sinatra skunk up there on short notice."

They could still hear the bunnies squealing and sighing "Oh Frankie!" in the background.

"We won't get anywhere just sitting here watching the shows anyway," said Betty, "As long as we're waiting we might as well be productive, and look for clues."

"How do we start looking for clues?" Launchpad asked.

"We'll mingle," Betty replied, casting her glance at the bar at the other side of the room.

"Eh, no thanks, I might be flying a plane later," said Launchpad.

"From what I remember about your flying, drinking might even help your piloting," Betty remarked, "You don't have to order anything, just try and make small talk."

The song ended and the curtains closed, presumably the next performer would be up soon. Betty got up and walked over to the bar, followed by Launchpad. They took a seat at a couple stools, between some other Toons. Betty looked to see if she recognized any of them.

"Huh. I think I know you," said Betty to a rather drunk-looking man with a five o'clock shadow and a lab coat, his head rectangular and his lines thick, "Professor Utonium? What are you doing in a place like this? Don't you have kids?"

"Do you have any (hic) idea how worrying it is, being the adoptive parent of three superhero girls," a drunken Professor Utonium grumbled to anyone within earshot, "Always (hic) endangering themselves for the betterment of others. And I'm left at home, just hoping they'll come back to me alive. (hic) This is the only thing that calms me down when they're out there fighting monsters."

Betty shrugged. The untold stories of many Toons could be found at the bars of Toon Town. Maybe there should be a show like E! True Toon Town Stories for things like this.

"Hey there pretty mama," came a voice from behind.

Betty turned around, seeing a muscular blond man sitting beside her wearing sunglasses.

"Johnny Bravo?" Betty asked with amusement.

"I see you've heard of me. You're real, I'm a Toon. We're like star-crossed lovers. How's about dippin' into the watercolors some time?" he said striking a pose.

"I don't really swing that way," she answered.

"Come on sexy inspector. How 'bout you inspect my gadget?"

"90's cartoons certainly got away with a lot didn't they?"

"Hey, you're pretty, I'm pretty, what do you say we go home and stare at each other?"

Betty took out the device she'd been given to help deal with computer animated and flash Toons.

"How about I let you inspect this gadget, and stuff you in the recycle bin until you've cooled down some, hm?"

"Uhhhh no thanks….I'll be around if ya need me then," said Johnny, getting off the stool and backing away.

"Wait, first, have you seen any elderly gray squirrels hanging around here?"

"You mean that sexy granny squirrel who comes in on Ladies Night? Hm, not sure I saw her here last night, wait, let me check," Johnny felt his scalp, "Nope, no bump on my head from a large mallet, she wasn't here last night."

"I see, well thank you," said Betty.

"Don't mention it pretty mama. Maybe you can pay me back with a date?"

"Um…no thanks," said Betty.

"When you change your mind, and I know you will, here's my number," he said, handing her a slip of paper with a number that had a (555) area code; incidentally this was Toon Town's area code, "Maybe I'll strike it lucky with Red or Jessica tonight."

"Jessica Rabbit is married, and I'm pretty sure Red's with Wolfie," said Betty.

"Women like them are pretty enough for two boyfriends," said Johnny, before zipping away to hit on someone else.

The bartender looked to be an older style Toon, a rotund little man who was busy grilling a hamburger. Launchpad and Betty sat there for some time before they were finally noticed by a mustached French chef who stormed out from the kitchen area chasing a crab and wielding a meat cleaver.

"Wimpy! Stealing hamburgers again! I will dock it from your pay! Don't you know we have customers you swine?"

"Oh, a customer. What can I get you miss?"

The crab fled back into the kitchen between the chef's legs, "Sacre bleu! Come out here and fight like a man!" the chef yelled, running back in.

"Well what have you got?" Betty asked, "I'm not too familiar with Toon drinks…though from what I've seen I'm not entirely sure they're safe to drink."

"Our specialties are Old Panther, Four Noses and Old Blockbuster," Wimpy explained, "Are you not a Toon, miss?"

"No, I'm not."

"Hm, most problematic, yes. I suppose any of these drinks might be fatal to you. They get most of our tenants shooting through the rafters."

"Maybe I'll order some food then," she said.

"Very well," he said, handing her a menu, "The hamburgers are simply divine. You may have to wait if you order the crab, however."

"I'll have a hamburger then, and some water."

"Excellent choice, madam," Wimpy said, as he went to open the door to the kitchen, "Two hamburgers and some water, please."

"Two?" Betty asked.

"I think he may be trying to rip you off," said Launchpad.

Wimpy came back with one hamburger, bringing it to betty on a plate and hiding the other behind his back, slyly applying mayonnaise and ketchup to it while facing Betty.

"I'm only going to pay for one burger," said Betty.

"Why I haven't the slightest clue what you mean, you only ordered one," Wimpy said, before getting ready to take a bite from the other burger. A meat cleaver whizzed past his face however, taking the burger with it and embedding it into the wall.

"Zat is eet! You're fired! Get out!" the chef screamed.

"Most unfortunate," said Wimpy, before another meat cleaver was hurled at him, and he ran out, but not before taking the two halves of the burger off the wall and eating them quickly.

"You know what, I think there's a little too much excitement here for me, maybe I'll go find a table," Betty said to Launchpad, "You can stay here and mingle, I'll see what I can find out in the audience."

"Sure thing Ms. V" said Launchpad.

"Get our spare bartender out here!" the chef yelled as he slammed the door to the kitchen.

Betty walked to a vacant table and had a seat, just as the curtains opened again. The crowd cheered as the spotlight turned on and revealed Red Hot Riding Hood, dressed in a skimpy 1940's-style dress. The band picked up, and she began singing her classic musical number "Oh Daddy". Betty watched as she ate. At the table next to her, Wolfie himself was staring on with his eyes popping out, periodically whistling, pounding on the table and howling. It was more than a little distracting. Betty knew that Red knew something. She was probably going to try to cover for Slappy. But, Betty would get the truth out somehow.

Meanwhile, the new bartender emerged from the kitchen, and approached Launchpad.

"What'll it be?" asked the female bartender in a New York accent.

"Oh eh…how about a root beer float? Do you do those?"

"Comin' right up," the bartender said, filling a cup at the tap, "Say mister, you here all alone?"

"Nah, I'm with Betty Valiant, a real worlder. She's sitting at that table over there getting ready to interview Red and Jessica when their performances are done. We're on a case, looking for this old squirrel who ran out on her contract."

"Ya don't say," the bartender replied, "Do you know what this squirrel looked like?"

"Well, she's got a big bushy tail…"

"Like this?" the bartender asked, brandishing her tail.

"Yeah yeah! Like that! And uh… green eyes…"

"Like these?" the bartender asked, cartoonishly pulling her eyes wide open.

"Yeah! Exactly! And um…hmm…usually wears a green hat with a flower on it…"

"Oh, like this one you mean?" the bartender replied, showing him her hat.

"Uh huh! Yep! You uh, haven't seen anyone around here like that, have you?"

"Nope, sorry, haven't seen anyone remotely like that around here," the bartender said, sliding the mug of root beer down the bar. The mug stopped at a little traffic light to let two small shot glasses slide by before continuing to slide to Launchpad, who grabbed it.

"Darn, I was hoping you knew something," Launchpad replied, drinking his root beer float.

The bartender gave an aside glance, "Sad, isn't it folks?"

Betty waited through the performance, knowing that soon enough, Jessica would be singing. How could one balance family with doing your job? She sighed, wishing she were drinking something a little stronger than water, and wishing she'd been able to meet her grandfather Eddie when he was alive. Maybe he would know what to do.