Whatever Happened to Slappy Squirrel? ~ Ch3

The winged superhero-turned-lawyer Harvey Birdman sat behind his desk, wearing a business suit over his costume, dictating a letter to his bird Avenger as it typed on a typewriter with its feet.

"So in conclusion, while the plastic industry is certainly responsible for producing the garbage that is polluting our oceans with plastic, I'm not sure they can be held responsible when a sentient shark that talks like Curly Howard knowingly ingests a large amount of it, as they aren't the ones who put it there, and you should have known better. My apologies, Mr. Jabberjaw, but I don't think I can take the case."

"Mr. Birdman, there's a client to see you, a Ms. Squirrel," came the voice of his secretary on the intercom.

"Send her in."

Slappy Squirrel entered Harvey Birdman's office, dressed in a long coat and sunglasses, with Skippy at her side.

"Hey Harv, how's business?"

"Slappy Squirrel? Well well, what brings you to this side of town?"

"I'm in trouble," she replied, taking her disguise off and stashing it in a spare purse she'd grabbed from home, "I was wondering if you could build a strong case for me against Warner Bros."

"Hmm…sounds challenging. Have a seat."

Slappy and Skippy sat in two chairs across from his desk, as Slappy put her contract down on the desk.

"They're tryin' to force me to become a computer animated baby for this terrible new Animaniacs reboot, and I need out of this contract somehow. I don't want to be digitized, and I sure don't want to be made into a baby."

"Those reboots are just getting worse and worse these days aren't they," said Harvey, taking a look at the contract, flipping through the pages, "Hmm…ah, I've seen these sorts of contracts before, from the old days. They tend to be pretty iron clad, unfortunately."

"Caw caw," Avenger added.

"Too true, my friend. It's like they own her very soul."

"My rights were purchased in 1947 from Maroon Cartoons," Slappy said, "But the studio didn't use me in anything until 46 years later."

Harvey read the fine print as he listened, "Hm, quite a substantial gap. We could have another Calvin and Hobbes type of situation on our hands, where anyone can use your likeness and not be sued because Warner never used it themselves for merchandising, before 1993 that is. That might give you enough leverage to get out of this contract. Are you sure they specifically want you in the role?"

"What do you mean?" Slappy asked.

"They could just create an entirely new Toon and give it your name. You know how each incarnation of the Ninja Turtles are separate individuals, for instance. They even had a crossover together."

"I love Ninja Turtles!" Skippy chimed in.

"Ugh, someone shoot me," Slappy said, "Anyways, I see what you mean. But it sure seemed like they were bent on getting me personally to star in the project and get all digitized and turned into a baby. You know, like they did to the Looney Tunes. I don't think I'd even want to have some alternate CG baby version of me crawling around anyway. I want nothing to do with the project."

"They do own your name and likeness so if they wanted to do that they could, but like I said, maybe I can find some sort of legal loophole. I'll have to check up on this for you and see how solid their copyright claims are on you. I have to warn you though, the Teen Titans came to me with a similar complaint when Warner wanted them to do Teen Titans Go! a little while back, and I wasn't able to help them."

"Ooh, I like that show too," Skippy said cheerfully.

Slappy gave a disappointed aside glance, before turning back to Harvey, "You think they'd keep it a secret from me and still try to profit from me if I'd become public domain?"

"As is common knowledge, Disney has kept Mickey's first couple of cartoons under copyright through brute force in the courts when really legally they should be public domain; but then again, those are cartoons, not characters themselves. At most it could just be your shorts at Maroon Cartoons that are public domain."

"How long do ya think this research will take?"

"It could be a while," he said, "Copyright law is low, spooky voodoo."

"Caw caw caw-caw caw," Avenger added.

"Indeed. This is going to be quite the uphill battle. It could take weeks."

"I don't have weeks, the studio is probably going to send someone out to get me and drag me back there. I need to make my nephew and I scarce."

"I suppose you could stay with a friend or something and hide out. Toon Town's a big place. I'll keep in touch."

"Thanks Harv, I owe you one," Slappy said, before looking at him, "You know, you remind me of a very young Space Ghost."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Come on Skippy," she said, taking Skippy's hand, "Time to call in some favors with some old friends."

________________________________________________

Betty was escorted to the tunnel to Toon Town by her new employer; the officers on duty there inspected her suitcase, and she was given weapons for her own self-protection while in Toon Town; a professionally-made gun that squirted Dip, a mixture that could erase ink-and-pain Toons from existence, and a newer weapon; a remote control device, which resembled a garage opener that could fit on a key chain.

"This is for the newer Toons," the officer said as he handed it to her, "Allows you to delete them like the computer files that they are."

She pressed the button on it out of curiosity, and a holographic trash bin appeared in front of her, along with an arrow cursor, projected from the device.

"You just click on the offending Toon, drag them toward the recycle bin, and release," said the officer, "It won't kill them, just contain them; unless you empty the recycle bin. Then, they're deleted, just like being Dipped."

"Got it," she said, examining the device, "So it's like a computer mouse."

"Exactly. You don't know what you'll face in there, so best to be prepared. This isn't your grandpa's Toon Town"

"I'll only use them if my life is in danger," she said, switching it off.

"I'll let you know of any developments made in the case on this side," said Jefferson, "We'll be opening the water tower soon, maybe the Warner siblings will have some information."

Betty smirked, knowing full well that they were stalling on releasing the Warners, maybe at least until Slappy was captured. They were perhaps the most out-of-control Toons in existence. She doubted the Baby Animaniacs concept would go over well when they were informed of it. But, maybe she'd be hired to clean that impending mess up next.

"I'll be seeing you," she said, as she turned, and walked through the security checkpoint at the tunnel.

On the other side of the security gate, a vehicle awaited Betty that would take her to her next destination; to the mayor of Toon Town. The vehicle was purple, with spikes jutting out of the tires, a fin on top, and rockets at the back; on the side was written Mean Machine Taxi. The driver stepped out, accompanied by a green bipedal cartoon dog.

"Miss Valiant is it?" the mustached man asked.

"Ah, Dick Dastardly," Betty remarked, "And Muttley too. You two are taxi drivers now?"

"No need to rub it in," Dick Dastardly griped, as his dog let out a wheezing chuckle, "Just get in."

Betty got into the back seat, strapping herself in.

"Warner Bros. hired me to get you there quickly and safely; if any other car tries to go after us, of course we'll be ready."

"Got it," said Betty, as Dastardly pressed the gas pedal and the car sped off, almost giving her whiplash.

They exited the tunnel at full speed, into the colorful fields of dancing trees and frolicking forest creatures, with the song "Smile Darn Ya Smile" in the background. The inner-child in Betty, who was often suppressed, seemed to come alive again in her, and she smiled as she looked out the window.

"So how did the last election for mayor in Toon Town turn out?" Betty asked, as the elections had happened recently.

"Scrooge McDuck bought the election again, like he has every election since 1988," Dick Dastardly remarked, "I have to admire his villainous, cheating tactics."

"So that's who you're taking me to see."

Betty had known through her father that Scrooge had been in charge of Toon Town since then, but news from Toon Town was slow to reach the outside world and she'd been unaware of any new developments.

They reached downtown Toontown very suddenly. Dastardly swerved to the right to avoid crashing into another car, causing Betty's face to press against the window. She had to cartoonishly peel it away from the glass; her first taste of the cartoon physics that ruled here.

"So what happened to your racing career anyway?" Betty ventured to ask.

Muttley gave another wheezy chuckle, as Dastardly bonked him on the head, causing him to grumble irritably.

"I still race, but I have to make a living too. As you probably know, my win/loss record isn't exactly spectacular."

Muttley started to chuckle again, but stopped when Dick Dastardly shot him an angry look.

"You might do better if you cheated less often," said Betty.

"Oh what do you know? If I didn't cheat, my chances of winning would drop even lower!"

Soon enough they arrived at the mayor's office, a tall imposing government building. Betty exited the car.

"Best of luck dealing with Scrooge," Dastardly remarked.

"Good luck on your next race," Betty said.

Muttley chuckled again, knowing that they'd likely lose.

With that the Mean Machine sped off, and Betty entered the building. She walked up to the secretary desk.

"Like, what do you want?" asked the female duck at the desk, who was busy reading a magazine.

Betty stared at her for a moment, sure she remembered the duck from somewhere. The duck had blonde hair (ducks with hair; only in Toon Town), a pink shirt and bow, and when Betty leaned over the desk she could see the duck was levitating while sitting in the lotus position. She smiled, knowing who it was now.

"You're from Acme Looniversity aren't you? Shirley the Loon?"

The duck looked up with a raised eyebrow, "Like, not that it's any of your business or some junk, but yeah, I like, graduated back in 1995. And it's McLoon. So are you going to, like, answer my question, or do I have to read your palm and find out?"

"I'm here to see Mr. McDuck. I think you'll find he's expecting me."

"Oh alright," she pressed a button on the intercom, "Like, Scrooge McDuck, there's like, a real world person here to see you or some junk."

"Aye, send her in," came the Scottish accent of Scrooge.

"Go on in then," Shirley said, filing her non-existent nails.

Betty nodded, and climbed up the long flight of stairs to the mayor's office, entering the door.

"I've been expecting you," said Scrooge, "Please, be seated."

The mayor's office was large and grandiose. Portraits on the walls of the office showed large dollar signs. Scrooge's desk was covered in tall piles of gold coins, which he continuously added to and counted. Betty looked around as she was seated.

"So, you're here lookin' fer a missing Toon, aye?"

"Yes that's right, Slappy Squirrel. She ran out on her studio and violated her contract."

"I heard the story from Jefferson," said Scrooge, "Ah can't help but sympathize with the lass, but rules are rules. Part of me job as mayor is helping to correct these little mix ups. The rest of the time ah have to protect me money from thieves."

"How much power does the mayor of the entire Toon Universe have anyway?" she asked.

"Bah, me control only goes so far. Central Toon Town, Duckburg, St. Canard, Townsville, different versions of Toon New York, a few other areas and districts. Basically, only the Toons that are aware that they're Toons are under me jurisdiction and recognize me authority. But we've been trying to expand. I send ambassadors to the other areas, try to get them to pay their taxes. But the Toon Universe is so huge it's near impossible to have a central government. If Slappy's escaped to any of the outer areas, you're gonna need a lot of help. The further ya get from Downtown Toon Town, the more treacherous it can be. That's why I'm giving you a pilot ta transport you around and be your body guard. By air is the safest way to travel."

"A pilot?" Betty had a feeling she knew who it would be.

Scrooge pressed a buzzer on his desk, and the door opened.

"You rang Mr. McDee?"

"This is Launchpad McQuack," Scrooge explained, as Betty turned around. She remembered who Launchpad was; he wasn't known so much for his aviating skills as for his ability to crash every single landing. She was tempted to let out a groan. The muscular, big-beaked duck (or pelican?) wore an aviators outfit, and walked toward the desk.

"Wow, a real worlder," Launchpad remarked upon seeing Betty, "You don't see that every day. Well, in Toon Town I mean."

"Launchpad, you're to take this woman anywhere she needs to go, and protect her from harm," Scrooge said, "And remember our agreed wages."

"A penny per mile Mr. McDee, like always."

"Aye. I'll throw in a dime for every time you have to save her from something too."

"Wow, a dime! You're too generous Mr. McDee!"

"Hmm…maybe you're right. How about a nickel?"

"Sounds great! Even better!"

Betty shook her head and rubbed her temples. She hoped she'd never have to rely on the dim-witted Launchpad to protect her from anything. She'd probably be doomed if it ever came to that.

"Didn't Warner Bros. pay you to hire me a body guard AND someone for transportation?" Betty asked.

"Well, pardon the expression, but ah thought it'd be better to kill two birds with one stone. And Launchpad's good for both those things. He can take a safe to the head and be fine a minute later. Best of all, he works for me second favorite price; next to nothing."

"And you just kept the rest of the money that was supposed to be for my two guides?"

"Well…yes. What's it matter ta you anyway? Yer still gettin' paid full price for catching the squirrel."

"I guess it's none of my business," Betty shrugged, getting up from her chair. Launchpad was still smiling, blissfully ignorant of how he was being taken advantage of by Scrooge, "Come on Launchpad, I need to do a little research in the Toon archives on Slappy Squirrel so I can figure out where she might have gone."

"Think we should get a dog to help us? They love chasing squirrels."

"I would worry about the safety of the dog in this case," Betty answered.

"Well how about some nets? Ooh I know, we'll buy a bunch of acorns and put them under a box propped up with a stick! Then we'll nab her when she knocks the stick down!"

"You haven't watched very many episodes of Looney Tunes have you?"

"Hm, is that some new genre of music the kids are listening to these days? Looney tunes? It's got to be better than dubstep at least."

"I'd be better off with Elmer Fudd as my assistant," Betty muttered as they exited the door.